How to Perform a Gay Wedding

Overview

A wedding is one of the most important events in anyone's life. Weddings can be traditional, new age, or somewhere in-between. The marriage of a gay couple can also fit into all of these three categories. In performing a gay wedding, it is important to determine if this is a legally-binding gay wedding or a commitment ceremony. While both can have the same importance to an individual, a wedding is legally binding by the state. In the case of a true wedding, the person who performs it must meet the criteria decided upon by the state. Usually, this means the person performing the wedding is clergy or a justice of the peace.

Preparations

There are a lot of preparations to be made before the ceremony is to be performed. It must be determined if there is to be a religious aspect to the ceremony and, if so, which religion. In many cases, a particular faith may want to perform a gay marriage. It is an unfortunate truth. A great alternative for a gay couple is to turn to a local Unitarian Universalist or Universal Life congregation. In some denominations and religions, it is up to the individual representative of the church if they will perform the marriage or not.

The person performing the wedding ceremony must be available to the couple at all times and should be open to their emotional needs. During the ceremony, everyone should be accommodated and included. Vows can be made by the couple or provided by the person performing the ceremony. The vows can either be memorized and recited by each bride or groom or the vows can be in a 'call and response' format. Most couples will prefer the ceremony to be performed in one of these two ways. A consecration by the wedding official may also be called for. The consecration can be either religious or non-religious but commitment focused.

Scripture or Not

There is no strict pre-determined set of scriptures to be recited at a gay wedding over the scriptures read at any other wedding. Sometimes it is best to avoid official scripture altogether and invoke either the human spirit and faith without God or to write a new presentation based on the beliefs of a particular religion.

Dealing With Homophobic Family Members as a Minister

After years of legislation and litigation, the last thing a happy couple wants to deal with is unaccepting family members; however, this is a definite reality for many gay couples. As their Officiant, you will be on the front lines when it comes to seeing and dealing with their wedding related stress. For many straight ministers who have been asked by their gay friends to preside over the wedding, dealing with homophobic family members will be an unsettling mystery.

Here are some quick tips…

• It will be important to encourage honesty when counseling the couples how to approach their families. When approaching more closed minded family members, it will is integral that the couple is firm, cordial and very honest to avoid surprising someone who may be very uncomfortable already. Surprising a conservative uncle with a horde of gay guests and their gay partners does nobody any favors.
• Another obstacle could potentially be one partner having a much more conservative family than the other. It is important to remind the couple they are choosing their partner, not the close minded family. (In fact, their partner didn’t even choose their family.)
• This being said, it may be best to counsel the partner not experiencing the homophobia to avoid being an extra cook in the kitchen, so to speak. Though painful, it will be best to let their partner deal with their family. However, if the homophobia becomes abusive or harassment, the couple should present a united front in letting the homophobic family know they are not welcome.
• If the families are homophobic or not comfortable being present, then encourage the couple to promote their friends to be their chosen family. If they had wanted to be walked down the aisle, but their father won’t do it then pick a friend with a beard who will. (Or any friend who they feel mentored them and guided them through their relationship up until this point.) Weddings are a day to celebrate two people’s love, not a religion.

Above all else, support the couple through this entire process. Getting a free online ordination can leave you with some unexpected surprises and the occasional added responsibility. Having someone they can be open and honest with will help alleviate the stress of a homophobic family. Encouraging them to get out and be together after painful conversations and interactions with their families will remind them the fight is with their families, not with each other.

Additional Thoughts

Some couples may prefer a pagan wedding. Handfastings are a common form of ceremony in pagan weddings. A gay pagan couple may prefer a multi-colored handfasting of rainbow ribbons. However, this should be discussed beforehand with the couple. No gay symbolism should be used without the consent of the couple. Some couples choose to embrace and show off their sexual orientation but many couples don't see this as a necessity. While not being exactly downplayed, the couple may simply feel that it is irrelevant to the ceremony. Each couple is different and the exact ceremony to be performed should be decided upon in every facet during the initial meetings.